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For most mothers, the time when their daughter becomes engaged is a very exciting time. It may also be a bit bittersweet to see your little girl all grown up, although it is important to make sure that those feelings do not overshadow your joy. Planning a wedding with your daughter can be a marvelous bonding experience or a dangerous minefield, depending how it is approached. This is some advice that every mother of the bride should hear:
Don't criticize your daughter's fiance. Unless you are genuinely concerned for her safety, your daughter is an adult and has a right to pick her own husband without parental interference. By the time she becomes engaged, her mind is clearly set that she has found the man of her dreams. This is no time to nitpick about his choice of career, appearance, or even the size of the diamond engagement ring he gave her. These types of comments are likely to fall on deaf ears, and will only serve to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.
Do keep an open mind about the type of wedding your daughter wants to have. Perhaps your idea of a proper wedding is one with a church ceremony followed by a reception at your country club, but that might not be what your daughter has in mind. A key point is that she is not going to change who she is for the sake of the wedding. So if she always said that your club was stuffy, don't be shocked or offended when she announces that the wedding will take place in a state park. Be supportive and try to go with the flow. You might even find out that her ideas are pretty good!
Be diplomatic when shopping for a bridal gown. The chances are that you know your daughter's taste, and if it does not match your own, that is unlikely to change when it comes to the wedding gown. It is absolutely crushing to a bride to fall in love with a gown and have her mother shoot it down because it is not what she would have selected. Of course, you are free to give your opinions, but be sure to be diplomatic. I will never forget the mother who insulted the very informal dress her daughter had purchased for her wedding because it was not the satin ballgown that the mom thought all wedding gowns should be. The bride looked at her mother in disbelief and asked, "Remember me? I'm your daughter Sarah. I am not my sister!". Don't let this happen when shopping with your daughter!
Follow the bride's lead for your attire. If possible, take her shopping with you when you select your dress and jewelry for her wedding. You should obviously choose an outfit that you like, but the chances are that it matters more to the bride than you, so listen to her opinions. For a black tie wedding, go all out and dress to the nines with a very elegant dress and sparkling wedding jewelry, even if your everyday uniform is jeans and a t-shirt. Conversely, if the wedding is informal, don't insist on wearing a traditional mother of the bride outfit which will be out of sync with the style of the event.
Offer opinions, but don't be a dictator. If you are paying for your daughter's wedding, you certainly have the right to have your thoughts heard, but don't hold your checkbook over her as a weapon. It is no fair to threaten to withhold promised funds because she chose a different venue or centerpiece design than you would have liked. Compromise is the key to getting through the wedding planning process with your relationship with your daughter better than ever.
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